did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i think i scared a bird with my dick
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
