He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
