shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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