I wish my penis had an off switch
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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