I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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