I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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