there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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