I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
