her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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