Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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