mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
