I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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