the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
even my farts smell like vagina
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
