We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
