I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.