Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
