I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
