I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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