Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
