do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
