i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
