Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I need to align my fucking chakras
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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