apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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