I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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