Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
