I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
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She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
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I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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