I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
