I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
