Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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