what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
