I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
