I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
