its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
