i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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