If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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