Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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