I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
