she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
