that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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