Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
