John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
