Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
