Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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