I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
