You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
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Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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