Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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