when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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