my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
