I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Come on in and take your pants off
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