she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
