My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my shit smells like andre
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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