Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
