he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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