Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
