he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It was a blind-side dick pic.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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