we have pet lesbian snakes
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
