my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
