I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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