two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
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I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
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my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My liver is preforming stress tests.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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