I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
